the beginning in the end

It's been a rough Christmas in the small Barnes & Noble where I've worked for almost a year. In quick succession, amid the rush of the season, there were three deaths. All were parents and grandparents of employees; all about my age.

It triggered a ruthless examination of my life and a decision to completely change my relationship to it. As Wayne Dyer used to say, I am studying for my final exams. I am not happy with the quality of this life and am running out of time to change direction.

To put it as simply as I can: I am tired of being a consumer. So being the all or nothing kinda gal I am, (moderation just doesn't work for me) I will stop shopping for this year. Please notice I did not say I would stop charging, live within my means etc. 

I AM ON A SHOPPING FAST. The only exceptions will be actual necessities, health and safety items and personnel care items once everything on hand is depleted. Included will be gifts. I will explain to my grands what I am doing and we will find another way to celebrate. They have too much stuff already anyway. 

There must be more to life than seeing how much one can consume. And I'm going to find out what that is. I need to put something back, contribute. And to get satisfaction in other activities. I've already dropped premium cable to pay for the YMCA, after becoming addicted to swimming. Shopping apps have been deleted from my devices.

I will spend more time with my family, especially my grand kids. I didn't move 3500 miles to spend every weekend at BN, coaxing other folks into buying stuff. Aside from my weekly story time, there is little satisfaction and mind numbing boredom in my job. And after almost 13 years, a paltry $12.75 an hour. (That's after a $2 bump when I transferred from Florida) .
 
The more I work, the lousier I feel and the more I shop. It's just another way of filling the empty spaces. IT ENDS HERE. I've taken myself off the schedule for Sundays as a first step. This will likely cut deeply into my already scarce finances and necessitate other changes. The list has already started and includes, eliminating my home phone, cutting the cable and so on. That may be just a start...and I'm OK with it.

I am writing this because I believe there is great power in public declarations. (It's not an accident that those born-again Christian shows always want people to "witness" their conversions by calling in and talking to a "prayer warrior.")

With that I bid you the happiest New of Years.

More to follow.....