what now?

Why is freedom so hard to handle?

I sit at a favorite small table at a favorite place, No Joe’s Coffee House, sipping a favorite dark brew. It’s a picture-perfect early summer morning downtown Red Bank, NJ. I am engaged in a favorite pastime, people-watching. Most of me is calm, approaching joy. Yet something tugs at me from the depths of my soul. There is a disquieting sense of emptiness, aimlessness, an essential aloneness that goes beyond loneliness. It gnaws at me, growing, demanding attention.

I recognize this. It is not new and I dread its return.

Once again, I am faced with building a “life”, without the familiar moorings. I have tried—and failed—several times before. And I knew, as I began again on my 65^th birthday, this would most likely be my last chance--my last chance to build some kind of meaningful life, with a measure of abundance and a sprinkling of joy.

I am deliberately leaving out here, the underlying financial angst that comes with facing impending old age with no resources and the real chance of homelessness at age 70. There is no doubt creating this so-called-life would be easier without the base-level concern over enough money to survive. But honesty forces me to admit; even a lottery win wouldn’t cure these ills.

Free floating anxiety is kept at bay by writings such as this and list making. I tentatively reach out to family and friends, working to fit into their active lives.

For as long as I can recall, I have marveled at the ease others seem to have with the most ordinary of life’s interactions. When not at work, I would often go for days without human conversation, not counting the occasional store clerk. I envy those my age casually busy with family and grandchildren.

With my children and lone grandchild scattered thousands of miles east and west, our contact is rare and takes extraordinary effort and expense. I remain grateful for them and happy they appear to be leading rich productive lives. No, I don’t seriously consider moving closer to either as neither one needs me hanging on the fringes of their lives.

I have long understood that the lack is in me, but I am at a loss as to what to do about it. Even years of therapy didn’t much help.

I once thought of writing a novel about a woman who spends her time traveling from one family member/friend to another, finding her fulfillment by burrowing inside the lives of others.

Too close for comfort.

the morning after

I am not a party animal. That surprises many people. Yes, I am outgoing and not a bit shy, befitting a journalist. Yet, even as a child, my parents had to cajole or force me to attend family gatherings. The larger and more formal the event the less attracted was I.

And as I age it’s only gotten worse.

Firstly, I am not comfortable in formal dress. Regardless of my weight or fitness level, clothes and I have never been friends. I feel constricted and downright cranky by the demands of accommodating the female form.

I am also not much of a drinker, so an open bar is no draw.

Although I admire the scene, the effort, the expense, the food, et al, I almost always find myself on the edge of the action, observing. I am the odd-man-out. Nobody knows where to seat me. And I’ve never really had a reliable dancing partner.

At a recent such swanky Bat Mitzvah for my cousin’s daughter, I watched in silent joy—mingled with envy—as my young cousins danced the night away with their own daughters, each on the verge of adolescence. I flashed back to my own younger self, watching my now late parents partner up for dance after dance. They were quite the accomplished pair. Late in the evening, when my dad had enough to drink, I got my turn. We would Lindy around the floor. And that was all she wrote.

The major source of my joy is reconnecting with family and friends. But the throbbing music needed to rev such events makes it next to impossible to engage in any meaningful conversation.

Lucky for me, my Aunt Sally offered to share her room, so I was able to participate in my favorite part of these celebrations—the morning after.

Low key and mellow, these morning-after-breakfasts allow me to really chat up those family and friends that remain. And this was a particularly productive time. The buzz was tangible. Laptops, Facebook, photos, Ancestry.com etc. flew around the intimate gathering. Coming directly from my own family vacation I even had a bunch of those old sepia photos. You know the ones with some folks nobody alive can identify.

And there was no pounding beat and intense DJ to drown out the laughter.

It went a ways to sate my real hunger, not for fancy top-drawer food, but for a visceral infusion of memory—to help fill the void of those I can no longer reach out and touch.

Walkabout—after the storm

We’ve all heard the scientific explanation of why the air is so fine following a storm, washed clean of pollen and charged with friendly ions. But that doesn’t detract from the wonder of it each time you step into a day as glorious as these last two here in Florida.

The crispness calls to mind an early fall day in the northeast, rare here even in winter. Devoid of humidity, the air sparkles, truly reflecting natures colors.

A perfect day for a neighborhood walk. Or perhaps a stroll through the downtown farme’s market—a cornucopia of entrepreneurial creativity, populated by folks and their fashionista small dogs.

T’is a grand day to be alive and walking…

Walkabout: the long Passover walk

I probably should have called this A long Passover walk, because as we know, the original après Seder stroll was one for the record books. But they didn’t have record books back then either, eh? Oh well, whatever…

One could call it the mother of all fitness walks. (Sorry, couldn’t help it.)

In honor of the holiday of my ancient ancestors I “took the long way home” by extending my own walk on Lido Beach. It seemed especially fitting to feel the sand give way under my feet—although the Hebrews didn’t have the benefit of my Orthaheel shoes as they trod the desert for 40 years.

As I walk, I flash back to the Passovers of my youth, at my grandparent’s house in Brooklyn. After dinner, slightly drunk on Manischewitz my older cousins Bobby and Barry would let me tag along with them for a walk along the dark, silent city streets. I seem to recall ending up at Ebbets Field.

Time may march on, but the longing for “home” not only remains, but grows stronger with the years. This much I know.

Walkabout: a post diner stroll

Last night I finally made it out in the evening, after downing one too many yummy organic grilled cheeseburgers and veggies. At 7 p.m. under a mellowing sky and a slightly cool breeze I headed out.

My destination? The local CVS to drop off a prescription. The mile-long walk took me down a back street, past several other small condo complexes through a long, narrow stretch of land called Turtle Park. It’s obvious it was once meant to be a thru street that was put to a higher use.

Sarasota does the park thang really well. When I first moved here a decade ago, I used to walk it daily. Since then, the sophisticated mix of trees planted along the graceful curving walkway has matured from saplings, providing much needed shade from the Florida sun. There is the ever present water fountain, benches and even a large leatherback turtle sculpture.

As I strolled, I flashed back to those early walks. I was so desperately homesick, with the sinking feeling I had made a huge mistake in leaving the Jersey Shore. I had taken the boardwalks for granted. The cement was unyielding beneath my feet. So I would get into a rhythm, allow my eyes to flutter almost closed, and will myself back to the Shore. I could feel the boards give under my strides and smell the sea.

My goal is to integrate walking into my life. Last month, I would have hopped into the cat without thinking. Now, I think before I drive: Is there some way to “walk this out.”

It may be a small step …but it’s one in the right direction. And that’s not a small thing.

Walkabout: back to the beach

An early start to this day off and I finally made it back to the beach for my first “ambassadorial” stroll on the sand. I really have to make peace with being morning person at this stage of my life. That’s when my mental and physical energy is at its zenith. The hard truth is, regardless of the long Florida days when I put it off it never gets done.

Living on the west coast of Florida, we are famous for our sunsets. Each evening, crowds gather at along the Gulf to watch the sun sink into the sea. Urged on by others, I made such forays and walked the beach as the sky kissed the earth goodnight. And I came away unfulfilled.

I am a sunrise person. Back “home” along the (real) Jersey Shore, the sun rises out of a grey Atlantic, lighting up a fresh clean new day, alive with possibilities. And the boardwalks provide the perfect walking/running surface. Ah, my homesickness is showing. Well, soon enough I will be back for a long while. But that’s a story for another day.

But I digress. Back to the beach.

I rarely walk the sand in shoes. It’s either barefoot or my Orthaheel flips. Again, these extraordinary walking shoes surprised me. I stuck to the compact sand far from the water and it was a joy. These featherweight shoes walked the edge of being super comfy and responsive to the uneven terrain.

I fear I will never be satisfied with any other shoe.

I can live with that.

Walkabout…

Since the official start of this program, my inbox has been overwhelmed with chirpy reports from fellow “ambassadors” that start something like: Wow, what a great start to my day! After Zumba I walked (2,4,6) miles..

That’s not me, folks.

Been there, done that, as is said. Over the decades I have begun one “fitness” program after another—from running, to step class, Pilates, treadmill, elliptical, swimming et al. And yes, of course I walked…and walked. Being lucky enough to live at the Jersey Shore, I took full advantage of the boardwalks. When I moved to Florida 10 years ago, I even strapped a pricy pedometer to my body as I strode about town.

I started to enjoy walking when I stopped measuring and turned my attention to the surroundings…the people, the landscape, the stores, the sand, surf and sky.

Perhaps I should call what I’m doing a “strollabout. My goal is simply to integrate walking into my daily activities. Easier said than done. Walking to the store is easy enough, but how the heck do I carry the stuff home. I am working on it though.

Although I am still hacking away from this virus that won’t quit, I intended to strap on me new shoes and head out for a short turn about the neighborhood after an early dinner. But an overwhelming craving for Chinese food got in the way.

What to do?

I called in the order (just chow mien, hold the rice, hold the noodles) and walked to the restaurant, only several blocks away. I took my time, enjoying the comfort of the shoes. As supported as my feet were, I could still feel the ground, a surprising sense of grounded connectivity.

I REALLY love these shoes—right outta the box.

Tomorrow: back to the beach, methinks.

The adventure continues.